Holding On
by PinkCollins
Summary: "Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like." ― Laozi
1. Chapter 1

**Hello, again. This is the other fiction I have been planning out and writing - It is especially for my lovely Rena shipper - Lee.**

**A/N 1 - Edward never came to Holby in this fiction, he is not going to come up as an issue (yay) **

**A/N 2 - Guy Self, however has happened, no Mr Hanssen I'm afraid (Sorry to those who love a bit of Henrik) **

**A/N 3 - I've undertaken a lot of research for this fiction and will continue to research throughout - as it's rather vital I, I don't want to get this wrong, because then I will feel like I have failed**

**Final note - Slightly short chapter, It is an opener, didn't want it to stand as too heavy. **

**Hope you enjoy. **

* * *

Holding on

They both sat in the office the shared on Keller, seemingly deep in paperwork. It seemed that was all they both were good for these days, despite their status as Consultants CEO Guy Self, saw their talents on the sloppy side, Surgery was a young man's game, and the older mature brains, needed to step back and play the role of the teacher. Serena Campbell and Ric Griffin were finding themselves being put on the scrap heap, although at times the somewhat were thankful for the quieter life in work.

Serena looked up from her laptop and out at her parter of nine months and smiled to herself as she saw his look of concentration. She also used to tease Ric for his sauntering behaviour and need to do everything carefully, but now she found it rather endearing, it made Ric, Ric and it fell under one of the small things that she loved about him. His old school ways of working, his kind nature to all his patients, he also be and rather protective of Serena since they started dating - she liked that too, she might be a strong independent woman in her own right, but having someone who made her feel a little bit special felt good.

As he continued to appear submerged in the file he was reading, Serena aptly decided they both could do with a break, and she had the perfect excuse for both of them. Despite the fact that she was to discuss it with him later that evening when they were out for dinner, the day needed spicing up a little, the quiet and dreary effect of the day was starting to take a toll on Serena, she preferred it when she could fit a little bit more fun into her work.

Unhooking the spare set of keys from her key ring, Serena made her way round to Ric's desk, and he still hadn't even noticed her, and his concentration started to leave Serena feel disconcerted _"Ric?"_

"Hmmm," he grunted, still not looking up at Serena. He had been trying to focus on the same sentence for at least five minutes and attempted to read it for what felt like a billion times, but it just didn't happen, and when he finally felt like he caught wing of it, Serena wanted his attention, closing his eyes for a second he hoped to refocus his eyes. Placing down his file, he looked up at Serena, "What can I do for you?"

"You make it sound like I'm a patient" Serena replied in al all too familiar sarcastic tone.

Ric rubbed his eyes, "Sorry, I'm just tired"

"I'm not surprised; after last night, a late night emergency in Theatre, pushes us oldies to the limit" Serena grinned "Do you want to grab a coffee?"

"I'd rather just hang on here; I've got a lot of work to do"

"No one on their death beds would say they wished they spent more time on work"

"I think you might" Ric replied "It's nothing personal, I just been to get this done"

"Okay, well can I just have five minutes of your time_, please_" Serena pouted, Ric had not been this much hard work in a long time.

"Fine, I'm all ears"

Serena produced the set of keys "Move in with me, we spend most of our free time at my place and with Eleanor at University, I don't like the loneliness, I've got used to having you around. You've technically almost moved in without realising, why not make it official"

"Hmm" Ric grunted, this was not the most thrilling response he could give to the woman he loved.

"Well this is clearly going well"

"Sorry Serena. You were saying" Ric finally found the focus he needed; his vision seemed to waver a little lately.

"It doesn't matter" Serena shrugged it off; maybe this was a sign, that she and Ric, were not long-term material. Things were a little different between them lately, she was not sure why, but she noticed something changing.

"Serena"

"It can keep until tonight" Serena clutched the keys in her hand, and headed back to her desk. "You are still up for tonight?"

"Err, yeah"

"_Wow,_ you're full of delightful responses today"

"I'm just a little tired" Ric replied, rubbing his head, he was starting to fail at keeping up his pretence.

"What did you get up to last night?" Serena grinned rather suggestively, teasing the thought that he would dare be unfaithful or amuse himself without her after their late night emergency that kept them after hours.

"I, neighbours had a party, I didn't sleep well that's all" Ric lied; he felt it was the only thing he could do.

"You should have come to mine; I would have welcomed you with open arms"

Ric made a few disgruntled sounds, "You, erm, you've got me tonight"

"You really are making me feel _so_ desirable and wanted today"

"We're in work"

"It's never bothered you before"

"Hmm," Ric felt himself almost wanting to zone out again he rubbed his face. He needed out of that office, but he did not want to share the weakness he felt.

"Ric, are you okay?"

"Fine, I'm just fine. I need to head out for a moment, are you okay to cover for me?"

"Yes, sure, where are you going?" She quizzed as she watched Ric stand up and make his way for the door, yet he did not respond_, "Ric..."_

Serena frowned, she had no idea what was going on with him, he just seemed to stop opening to her lately. It worried her a little, but she just accepted that he was a man, and men do not always share the emotional stuff they need to. Yet he also seemed that he was shutting her out, physically as well as emotionally. She figured Ric was a little complicated at times; his past contained a lot of baggage and left him at the best of times a little hard to open up. Yet, Serena had thought she finally cracked open the cellar – she could not feel more wrong at present.

While Serena sat contemplating her relationship with Ric, he hurried himself through Keller Ward and in to the male staff toilets. He headed straight for a cubical and locked the door; the nausea exasperated causing Ric to let out all he had held in, he had done well not to even let on to Serena that he was close to spewing up his guts. It was the fourth time in as many days he had felt like this, the nagging headaches getting worse, causing his hazy vision and cold turns towards Serena all seemed to happen more frequently.

As he knelt beside the toilet, Ric held his head in his hands, deep down in his heart he knew what was going on, he had a lucky escape a few years back, and now the miracle appeared to fall on borrowed time. Yet he would rather stay in denial, just for a while longer, denial was safe. He was not ready to start running away from a relationship this time, yet he was not ready to tell Serena his fears either.

He loved Serena, he knew that and after finding the person behind what he would say sometimes had absurd and wacky ideas on how to run a hospital, he had found this adoring woman. A woman who had a heart of gold, poise, class, and an amazing sense of humour, coupled with her wit, she was the first woman in decades to fit the void he felt all these years. Yet, there he was putting their relationship on shaky ground.

The wave of sickness lifting, but with his head still ever so slightly throbbing, Ric flushed the toilet and headed for the basin. Splashing his face with cold water, he caught sight of his own reflection; he did not even recognise himself. Taking from his pocket a packet of codeine, he popped two of the tablets in his mouth and took some water. The water took away the taste of vomit in his mouth, yet left Ric somewhat feeling worse than he had done before.

He needed to get back in control, but he was not sure how he could achieve that, the only way it could happen was if he faced his fears. In almost a rash decision, he decided it was what he had to do; he was going to confront this. A determined thought in his mind, Ric headed out of the toilets, only to find Serena walk into his direct path.

"Ah, Mr Griffin" Serena kept it formal, seeing as he seemed to be against informalities early, "I'm needed on AAU, I'm sure you can hold the fort?"

"What else can I do? Let the young ones run riot"

"Now there's a thought" Serena raised a smile, "I'll see you later" she gave his arm a small brush as she headed off for AAU.

Ric watched as she left, a heavy feeling in his heart, his determination to face his worst fears quashed. He needed to leave it for another day, another time. He only hoped that Serena was not away for too long, he was not sure he could truly hold the fort with the way he was feeling.


	2. Chapter 2

**Firstly, thank you for all the opening reviews.**

**A/N 1 - I feel this will come as my most challenging fiction yet, especially on a personal level and I have taken on a lot of those personal experiences as well as a lot of research in order to progress this fiction.**

* * *

The morning after the night before, things seemed a little tense for Ric and Serena. Although, things did brighten up during their romantic dinner, and Ric had agreed to move in with Serena and they ended the night back at her pace, their place. Outside the workplace, their happiness, and love reignited, laughing, and joking, no one could imagine that cracks started to show in their relationship.

The cracks only started to show as the painkillers worn off, Ric found himself disinterested, he found himself holding back, much to Serena's frustration she accepted his excuse of his apparent tiredness, it wasn't even late and he played the tires card. Truth was Ric was feeling tired, his head began to pound, and Serena found herself in an argument with Ric, an argument that left her opting to sleep in the spare room, as she could not bear to find herself in the same room as Ric.

Yet as they both sat across the kitchen table from each other, a cup of coffee in hand, Serena pondered the thought; she looked at the man she was in love with. He changed, for the past couple of weeks Ric had acted differently and although it was not the ideal time to question it half an hour before they were to leave for work - she had to, she could not walk on eggshells any longer.

"What's going on with you?"

_"Nothing"_

"Don't give me that Ric, if you really didn't want to move in with me, you should have just said"

"Yes, I wanted to move in Serena"

"Yet, you're blowing cold on me again, two out of the four nights we have spent together this week you refuse to make love. You go all moody; this is different from your usual Mr Grumpy routine. What is going on Ric? Is there someone else?"

"No, _no_. Serena" Ric rubbed his head, "I'm just feeling the pressure right now, and it's just leaving me tired, eye strain... I am not used to long hours in front if the computer, my eyes are just not taking to it very well. I most likely need a stronger prescription with my glasses and for Guy to give me my theatre list back." That was only half the truth, but it was all he could give her, he feared so much and he just could not the truth, he could not break her heart with what he suspected, not until he knew the answers himself. "And for the record, there is no one else. I love you" Serena half smiled as she watched Ric stand himself up and walk behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist, "and I'll make it up to you" he whispered into her ear.

"Sweet talk me some more and you're completely forgiven for your lapses"

"Absolutely" Ric responded, he knew he had taken more painkillers that he should have had this morning, but he needed it. He felt guilty as it was lying to Serena, and not being the parter she deserved killed him.

Ii - ~~ - iI

Arriving in work, hand in hand, it seemed like all the tension had washed away, issues resolved and Ric and Serena found themselves back on track. Romantic words had the power to wipe away most frustrations, falling in love was the best thing they ever did. Serena pulled a face when Ric did not leave the lift at the same time as her.

"Where are you off?" Serena raised an eyebrow, standing back in the lift pressing the 'open' button, and keeping her finger hovering by it.

"Guy Self wants a meeting with me"

"Really? How come I never knew about this?"

"Last minute thing got an email yesterday. It's about the Clinical Skills Tuition, with Malick gone we need to look at who is a suitable replacement"

_"Oh"_ Serena shrugged, "Make sure you ask for those theatre hours back, I want a smile on the face when you get back"

"I'll do my best, all else fails, I'll send you to hunt him down"

Serena chuckled and placed a kiss upon his lips, and wandered off, as the lift doors closed, Ric closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths. He felt dreary, feeling like the life he had was slowly leaving him, he could sense the longest this went on, the more damage and pressure went on to his relationship - that was the last thing he wouldn't, especially on Serena's behalf.

Before Ric knew it, he found himself stood in Guy's office, with Guy looking up at him; it all seemed like a blur. Guy already knew about Ric's history with the Colon Cancer and how it previously spread to his liver and Ric had just vaguely explained his issues.

"What are you trying to say Ric?"

"I, I'm not sure, it's why I came to speak to you. You're a neurosurgeon, I have these headaches, some issues with focusing on the eyes, mood changes and I ... "

"Are you saying you _fear_ Secondary Cancer?"

"Yes" Ric replied firmly "I always knew that there was the possibility"

"Hmmm," Guy sighed, "Take a seat" as Ric sat down, Guy rummaged through his draws for an ophthalmoscope "I Always keep one handy and I don't have the resources here in this office to carry out a test on your reflexes, lying on the floor is harsh by all means. I'll just check your optic nerve" it took a few moments and Guy tried to hide the concerned look on his face, "Ric, I shall be straight with you; I suggest we send you for a brain and spinal MRI Scan, to get a clearer picture. I will get this arranged as soon as possible"

Ric nodded, trying to take it all in, he knew it stood as protocol, "What is the deal on telling Ms Campbell?

"As she is Deputy Chief Executive, it is a matter I need to discuss with her..." Guy trailed off as he saw the look on Ric's face.

"I wouldn't ask you to keep things from Serena on a professional level. However, until I know the score, I want this kept from her. As on a personal level I feel it is something I need to tell her myself"

"That I understand, but I can't keep her out of the loop" Guy replied, "I can't help feel that there is more you're not telling me"

"Until I tell Serena, I'd rather be seen to at another hospital"

"No can do" Guy spoke, authoritatively, "I wouldn't do this for anyone, but as you are one of our best Surgeon's and a loyal Consultant to this Hospital, I can assure you I can pull strings that this is all done on the hush. I'll get Ms Campbell to take my place at the conference in Birmingham that in supposed to attend tomorrow - it's for a week, I'm sure the chance to show off, will outweigh the short notice. However there is one condition"

"Name it"

"I want assurance that when we have a clear picture of what is going on, you tell her the circumstances, else I will"

"Of course," Ric replied, although he was not sure it was going to be that easy. "Just one more thing"

_"Yes"_

"If I don't give Serena a valid reason getting more Theatre hours, she will be up here baying for blood"

"Given circumstances, Theatre is the last place I want you. Clerical duties from now on, with an active role within the Clinical Skills Tuition team. Lecturing and mentoring per-say. Dr Levy taking on surgical aspects"

"Right" Ric nodded, it could stand worse he figured. At least he still would find the chance to work, yet it stood as another lie he has to tell Serena. "Thank you, couldn't have gone to anyone else"

"You came to the right person, whatever the outcome we'll sort it. Always look after our own"

"Indeed"

Ii - ~~ - iI

Ric and Serena had barely crossed paths since arriving in work earlier that morning, Serena found herself on AAU for the large majority of the day once again. Something that she hated, of course she enjoyed her work, but she preferred the comforts of Keller, and found it majorly annoying that it was only in times of emergency did she ever seem to find herself in Theatre, and to top it off Guy Self dropped the clanger on her that she'd be in Birmingham for a week.

This went on whilst Ric seemingly appeared to have been kept hidden away, hidden away in the Consultant's office pondering his future. This act of hiding away did him some good; he did not find the chance to get unnecessarily annoyed with anyone but himself. Nevertheless, he mustered a brave and happy face, come home time. He waited for Serena outside Wyvern reception, he needed some air, he had a nauseous feeling brewing inside, but he was grateful that at least for now he did not have a headache.

"Started to think you were avoiding me" Serena gave Ric a little nudge as she walked up beside him.

"Says the one who's been hanging out on AAU"

_"Touché"_ Serena smiled "I've been thinking, it's not that late, so, How about we go to yours pack up a few of your things then head back to ours, bottle of wine... Maybe a takeaway and we can celebrate our new beginnings, make a night of it, a bit of enjoyment before I'm shipped off to the land of Brummie's, Guy has some nerve to drop that on me"

"He has his merits" Ric trailed off on his own thoughts, he could quite express how thankful he was to Guy, just yet. "However, I like the sound of making a night of it"

"Good, you _owe_ me"

"Isn't loving you enough" Ric teased, keeping up an act, inside he just wanted to curl up and hide, but weakness was not an option.

"You know it is" Serena sighed happily, "Let's go, before I change my mind"

"As the lady wishes"

Walking side by side to Serena's car, a thought suddenly dawned upon Serena; Ric appeared in a good mood, and little did she know that he was faking it, "I take it as you got your Theatre hours back?"

"Actually, no"

"Oh, this is exactly why he shouldn't be the CEO of this hospital, shafting great surgeons like you, in favour of new talent. If I were in charge, I would not do that to anyone, let alone you... I have every mind to give him a piece of my mind"

_"Serena_, stop" Ric snapped, he had developed such a short fuse as of late and like with the mood changes, so did the way he would speak to Serena. "Just give it a rest. You are driving me crazy"

"So I show you my support, and this is the thanks I get, charming"

"I'm saying you are overreacting. If anyone should stand pissed, it is _me_ and I'm not"

"But you're constantly getting grumpy and snappy with me, with everyone. But mostly me, sure there is nothing you're hiding?"

Ric stalled, "I.. "

"It just gets better"

"Stop whining" Ric snapped once more, he did not intend to, but he just seemed to switch constantly, he was not himself and it was starting to show.

Serena glared to Ric, she had let a man walk over her once before, and treat her badly, she was sure she was not going to let it happen again. "Make your own way home Ric, better still just go to your place, I'm not sure I want you around me right now" she pulled away from him and went round to the driver's side of the car. She glared at him again, hiding her pain, staring at Ric, the man before her was not the man she had fallen in love with and she had no idea what was going in.

She got into her car, and was ready to drive off, when Ric reluctantly also got in, rubbing his head.

"I told you to find another way home"

"I'm sorry; I didn't mean to snap at you,"

"You think that makes it okay, you are treating me like crap and I do not like it. I am not sure I know who you are"

Ric placed his hand on Serena's leg, "It's just these headaches, they're getting too frequent" that was the biggest truth Ric gave Serena in a while.

"You should get that checked out"

"I have, it's just eye strain, and a slight deterioration with my eyesight, I have a new set of glasses on the way" Ric fell back to lying, he had to, it was the only way.

"So, I don't have to worry about what I look like in the morning?"

"You'll always look gorgeous regardless"

"Compliments aren't going to make me forgive you so easily this time" Serena replied, giving Ric a warm smile, "I love you Ric, but if this goes on, we're over"

Ric considered himself warned, it stood as a green light that once this week was over, he had to come clean. Serena was his only constant in his life and he did not want to lose her.

* * *

**A/N 2 - What will come of Ric's MRI Scan? Will he and Serena ever find themselves on better terms?**

**Hope you enjoyed this chapter, thoughts are welcome.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks once again for all the replies/support - sorry for the delay in getting this chapter up.**

**A/N 1 - Slightly shorter chapter than the last, they will increase in size again, this more or less just follows some of Ric's thoughts**

* * *

Ric contemplated what would become of his life as he lay in the MRI scanner; he still had another forty-five minutes of complete stillness to endure. As some mellow classical music played through the headphones that masked his ears, Ric closed his eyes.

Saying goodbye to Serena this morning felt like a given godsend. Although they managed to go to his place and collect a few of his belongings last night, to bring over to the home he'd now share with Serena, he found himself wondering lying to the woman he was a good idea. Therefore, he welcomed break that he would not see her until next Thursday, eight whole days without Serena present left him relieved, in some misguided way.

It is not that he did not love Serena, he did. However, just like his earlier battle of Colon and Liver Cancer, in which he initially broke off his relationship with Annalese Carson, he thought it would be easier to lie. However, lying to Serena; even over his fears felt heavier on his heart, he'd rather cheat on her, then let her watch him possibly have Cancer.

Cancer, a disease everyone is aware of, yet something no one wants to talk about, and as much as you see it on adverts and on TV, everyone chooses to ignore it. That is what Ric wanted to do, but logic overruled him and he knew he could not. He had just fundamentally decided to ignore the fact it would affect the people around him.

It felt unjust to let his loved ones suffer with him, he could just never tell them, carry on as normal and either one day just slip away unnoticed, or defy the odds once more and come out a survivor.

However, maybe, just maybe; this was all just a blip, maybe the cancer had not returned and eye strain and stress really stood as the root cause. It stood as a possibility, and it is a possibility Ric welcomed.

His eyes flickered open, and he stared up at the white machine above him, right past the device holding his head in place. It was like he found himself enclosed in a white tomb, regardless of how painless these MRI scans are, you could never dress up how boring, noisy and uncomfortable there were. If only they made the scanners now easy on the back, lying still on a slightly padded mat was hardly kind.

He could not believe that he was moaning about something so trivial, for now he was at least alive and he felt he should at least be grateful.

Ii - ~~ - iI

With the MRI Scan over, and Ric now sat on the end of the scanner, taking a little stretch, ninety minutes lying in such uncomfortable left him feeling stiff. The radiographer had left him alone in the room, Ric sensed this was not a good sign, any other time any other patient, and they would be able to leave straight away. Yet, he was still in the scanning room, just waiting. He wished he was not, he could do with a coffee, anything would feel better than sitting here. Ric find it crazy, how awful it felt to find himself on the flip side of life. As a Consultant, he had at least some reassurance in his life, but when it came to him being as a patient, he lost all sense of reality.

As Guy entered the scanning room, Ric tried to read the expression on Guy's face, but he could not get anything.

"What is the deal?" Ric instantly asked, "I figured I get the verdict ASAP being 'one of your own'"

Guy paced a little, "I will be straight with you, and this isn't easy for me to tell you"

"How _bad_ is it?"

"Ric, you were right to feel concerned over your headaches and your vision problems, the scan shows a number of masses. One behind the optical nerve, a second near the spinal cord, a third in your colon" Guy paused, and saw Ric's blank expression, "The scan shows these cancerous cells as secondary's, they are Colon related cancer cells, rather than a brain tumour. Judging by the size of these things, I am slightly surprised as to how well you are doing physically, although it is not uncommon for metastasis to leave you symptomless or at best with little symptoms, you are not having any other symptoms..."

"I... No, erm ..." Ric stuttered, he was having trouble taking it all in.

"I'd still recommend doing a biopsy, prognosis of secondary cancer is not a positive outlook, but I want to have a better picture of what we are dealing with"

"Hmmm" Ric muttered

"I will get my team together, and we will do this as soon as possible, tomorrow"

_"Tomorrow?"_

"Is that a problem?"

"I... It's a Friday" Ric disgruntled a reply

"It's not illegal to perform surgery on Friday"

"I just... It's so soon. I still haven't told Serena" Ric tried to delay any true reaction, "I can't, not until I know the full story myself, I don't want her to worry"

"The things you do for love" Guy sighed and sat himself by Ric, "I can a personal team together, not a word will reach other staff members. I'll reign Colette in on the nursing staff, she'll keep them in line, but you need to tell Serena, I don't want to have to do it for you"

"I will when I get the results"

"Good, you can't hide it forever. We will do this biopsy, you can take the weekend to recover, and then we'll talk long-term options"

Ric nodded, he had no other words,

"I have some consent forms here, I need you to sign" Guy continued, handing Ric a few pieces of paper and a pen

"Right, yes" Ric responded, and took hold of the items, his left hand unable to grasp hold if the paper as well as he used to,

_"Ric?"_ Guy replied noting this weakness, "How long has this been happening for"

"Oh, I'm just a little stiff, lying down for so long, I just ache" Ric lied, it had happened once before as he signed the papers, ready for the daunting, but small operation tomorrow.

Ii - ~~ - iI

As instructed by Guy, Ric was still on Consultant administrative duties, he sat at his desk in the office in Keller, and he looked to his mobile for the first time in hours. He had tried to distract himself with anything other than thoughts of Cancer. His thoughts were giving him a headache; a headache any other day was bad enough, but this just almost drove him insane.

He pressed the unlock buttons on his phone and a voice message flashed up on his phone screen, it was from Serena, and picking up his phone, he called his voicemail inbox, anything to stop himself listening to his own thoughts.

"Hi Ric, it's me. Can you _bloody_ believe it; I have been here less than half a day and this business conference. It is a joke, partial golfing holiday, _golf_, Ric, I am furious and I am truly expected to spend time with a bunch of idiots who want to get pissed and play golf. There is one and a half days of meeting time and that is all. I have a week of this" Serena sighed, "I hope you're having more fun back on Keller... and that you enjoy moving more of your things in to our home, single-handed. I cannot believe I am saying this, but I miss you already. I can't stand these people, care to come and _play_? It is the weekend tomorrow ... Hmmm, I have to go, call me when you get the time, love you..."

Ric smiled, hearing Serena's voice was a slight comfort to him; as much as this time without Serena around was allowing him to get things sorted regarding his Cancer but after today's news he needed her and he just wanted to hold her. He was truly scared and despite wanting to protect her from the truth, he needed her by his side, even if he was just going to pretend that everything was okay. Ric pondered calling Serena back, but given that the message only came through but an hour ago, he guessed she would still be busy and that maybe it would stand better to just call back later. He would not know what he would say to her, he just knew it would not be the truth. Not the whole truth anyway, he could only express his love for her and that would stand as the only truthful part, but giving his occasional mood swings he did not know how it would act later on.

* * *

**A/N 2 - Will the biopsy results give out a positive glimmer of hope? Is Ric going to continue hiding the truth from Serena? **

**Find out soon. Hope you enjoyed this chapter. **


	4. Chapter 4

**Firstly, Thank you to all those who are reading this fiction and leaving reviews - Sorry there has been a delay, been a little busy work wise - Comedy Festival is coming up, so lots of madness there. (and of course I'm now consumed by the world of the 6 Nations.)**

**A/N 1 - When writing this chapter and the following chapters in fairness, I have done a lot of research and taken on what I had seen from a personal prospective (Not just in how I felt emotionally, but in recalling those conversations with Doctors and observing that persons terminal cancer journey). There was also a journal article I read of woman who medically finds herself in the same situation I have put Ric in, especially in the way I have Ric presenting symptoms. I came across it by chance a few days ago when I was looking for different information**

* * *

The weekend had been and gone, Ric's biopsy was done the Friday afternoon, and he was discharge from hospital on the Monday morning, and ordered to take a further couple of days off until his results were in and a meeting could be set up with the relevant people. It was such a painstaking wait and having woken up this Wednesday morning his nerves started to run riot and the headaches seemed to come more frequent. He did not know if this was anxiety heightening them or if it was these tumours.

Nevertheless, today he was going to get the news he desperately needed, news that could give him twenty-four hours to give Serena the truth. Ric stood over the sink in the kitchen, having just popped a few painkillers, he rubbed his temples, and he felt sick, sick with worry.

What he did not expect was Serena to make a surprise appearance, he did not notice that she had returned home until she stood behind him and whispered in his ear "Surprise"

_"Jeez"_ Ric jumped, "I didn't think you'd be home until tomorrow"

"Yeah, I got bored. I could have left on Monday, but I discovered the Spa, yet even after a day that gets boring"

"I'm not sure Guy would appreciate you leaving earlier" Ric pointed out, he still had not turned to face Serena, instead he let her linger behind him.

"I really don't care, he shipped me off on his working holiday, which involved little work, If I had to spend another moment where some of those lecherous men, Guy would end up with a lawsuit on hand"

"Oh" Ric took a moment and he finally turned to face the woman he loved, "What you going to tell Guy?"

"I'll think of something when I go in later, I attended the meetings as he asked, and it should stand as enough" Serena smiled "... Kiss me"

Ric did as she asked and for a moment, the kiss acted as a comfort blanket. Serena's touch just made him feel safe. As Serena pulled away, she looked up at him, and noticed the little shaved section of his head covered in a plaster, "What happened?"

"Oh, I ... I was doing some packing and something fell on my head from the top of the wardrobe, took a blow" Ric lied, "Hence why I gave up on the packing and got ordered to take it easy"

"Right" Serena replied, slight unconvinced, she noticed the shift in Ric's behaviour, "Are you _sure_ that is what happened"

"Yes"

"You seem a little tense, on edge"

"Serena I'm fine," Ric suddenly snapped, only to find himself met by Serena's icy stare "I just didn't expect you back today. I had something planned" Ric felt the need to cover his tracks, deception had become his world.

"Okay" Serena backed away she didn't want to argue the matter, sometimes it felt like all they did of late was to argue, so she changed the subject to work, "Are you working today?"

"To an extent" Ric replied

"You are full of mystery this morning" Serena sighed.

Ric shrugged, as much as he needed this woman, he had shut her out and was causing his own misery. Yet it will only fall as matter of time before Ric would have the answers he was looking for.

Ii - ~~ - iI

Ric sat on the large sofa in Guy Self's office, he observed Guy's his usually tanned face seemed pale, very telling of what was to come. Ric started to wonder why he was so anxious over this, of course, he never was going to get good news, he hated himself for even believing in the possibility, secondary cancer equals bad news, and he just did not want to face it. He had spent the previous hour to this meeting feeling highly nauseous, so much so he did indeed vomit.

Guy pulled up a chair and sat in front of Ric, clutching the results of the biopsy, "Ric, there is no easy way to say this, as you are aware there are several tumours growing, most definitely secondary's"

"How advanced is this?"

"You've defied the odds before, been asymptomatic up until recently, physically you appear well, it can happen. I've seen it before, I have had patients present minor ailments not live to tell the tale beyond diagnosis"

"How advanced" Ric repeated

"Tests show we are at a stage four"

Ric knew this was coming, he just sat there with those words repeating in his mind, a couple of months ago he had hope, plans for his future, he found himself the happiest he had been for a long time. Yet now, his world just stopped, he was going to die, years before he even hoped to.

"I understand that this is not pleasant news"

Ric remained silent, a blank look upon his face.

"I have to advise you that from this point onwards, that you refrain from driving. I or you need to inform the DVLA." Guy paused "With regards to work duties, depending on what route you take – it is administrative only I can't risk you being in surgery and treating patients, and you will work on the grounds that you provide daily reports regarding your health status and be under close monitoring"

"I... " Ric couldn't find the words; everything he had ever lived for was suddenly being snatched from him. He wanted to argue, say he could work regardless of the situation, he wanted to ignore the 'no driving' remark. However, he just did not have the energy or the words to express these feelings

"Take the rest of this day to let the news sink in, we can discuss further options with an Oncologist. And Serena will be back tomorrow, you can..."

"She's here now" Ric interjected "She wants stern words with you"

"I will deal with that, but you need to tell her about this diagnosis, on a professional level I can't withhold this information any longer"

Some tears finally strayed from Ric's eyes, "I need more time"

"Time is of the essence, we don't have it," Guy firmly stated as he watched his most valuable surgeon crumble. He had no words to console this man. He just placed a gentle squeeze on Ric's shoulder and gave an acknowledging nod.

Ii - ~~ - iI

Ric spent hours walking the town, then sitting in small quiet café struggling to find some rhyme and reason with his feelings, his thoughts. He thought about the many ways he could break the news to Serena, and each time he found a way he imagine the different responses he would obtain from Serena, each one less positive then the previous.

He still knew he had to tell her, but he just couldn't find the words, and before he found himself with a plan, he had found a way to make this situation a little more positive - but more for him than anything else, it was a rash decision, but one the felt right given circumstances.

Entering the house he now called home, his body ached from all the walking, his head still pounded, like a migraine, but with the excruciating power of a cluster headache. Painkillers were only marginally working, but he powered on, he could not show weakness, he would not let himself show weakness.

Serena greeted him, with a warm smile, she had her hands wrapped around a mug of coffee, "Where did you get to, I tried to call you?"

Ric pulled a face as he pulled out his mobile, he had unintentionally forgotten to charge it this morning, "Dead battery... You're home early"

"Guy sent me home, I was more than happy to carry on clearing the backlog on Keller, but he's a little pissed at me for leaving that sodding conference, _bloody_ cheek of it" Serena quipped, "He also muttered something about us needing to talk ..."

"I, errr" Ric's heart race, Guy really had put him in the deep end "Yes, we, errr we do, it's just been hectic, I erm was called to St James'" Ric added on a lie to cover the truth - for now.

"Oh... Do you want a coffee?" Serena asked, she could tell Ric was hiding something, "Or something stronger?"

"No, we should go and sit down"

Serena's smile dropped to a look of worry, she had a bad feeling about this, but nodded and headed back in to the living room. She muted the TV, as Ric sat beside her. "What's going on, _Ric?_"

"Things have become somewhat strained between us, that is down to me, and I'm sorry. But that is going to change" words flowed from Ric's mouth, he wasn't sure what way he was going to take this, was he going to tell the truth, or go along with his second option, "I have been doing some thinking..."

"Ric..." Serena spoke softly, wrongly second-guessing what was to come.

"... This is not how I wanted to do this... But _I_ love you... And I ..." Ric fumbled over his words as he picked out an item from his jacket, a small box, he opened it, "Marry me, Serena, if you'd have me for a husband"

He just could not tell her that he had cancer and that his life would soon end. He had not really thought of his long-term options with Serena before hand, marriage might have been a possibility, but in the distant future. Not now, not after a little over nine months of dating and it was that rash thinking that led him here, and he did not want to lose Serena, but he did not want to tell her the truth. The idea that he could just plod through the remainder of his life, hiding this secret and then one-day slip away seemed a plausible one, however, Ric's thoughts lay muddled, he was not thinking practically.

Serena found herself stunned, she looked to the ring that Ric had presented to her, and then looked to Ric, and the look on his face told her that he was serious. She swore blind she would never marry again, not after her last marriage and given Ric's track record of wives and the currently length of their relationship, she had more questions than a straight answer.

Moments of silence passed, most proposals are answered within seconds, Ric frowned, and snapped the box shut, "Forget it, it is a stupid idea. Why would we get married, we've only just started living together"

"Ric..."

"Maybe, we aren't supposed to have _this_ life together" Ric teetered towards revealing his cancer, "I'm not ..."

Ric found himself unable to finish what he going to say, he was to confess the truth, just as Serena held his face and planted a kiss on his lips. In a leap of faith she took a chance on his proposal - "It's a _yes_" she kissed his lips once more, marrying Ric wouldn't be so wrong would it, she didn't need to worry about Eleanor, she was now an adult and of this marriage went tits-up, at least it wouldn't ruin Eleanor's childhood.

With Serena's eyes, looking straight in to his, Ric was now the one who found himself stunned, he reopened the box, took the ring out, and placed it upon Serena's finger, he had taken a lucky guess with her ring size and had it spot on. He kissed her hand and smiled, although inside he was kicking himself for being such a coward, starting this engagement on a lie, giving Serena a false hope of a long future together.

"I take this is what was making you nervous earlier?"

"Mmm"

"I'm hoping I didn't ruin a surprise... Did you and Guy plan this; send me away so you could find the perfect ring..."

"To a degree" Ric interjected, it seemed plausible, so why not run with that.

"Well that explains the short notice of me taking Guy's little golfing/work holiday, as much as he tried to deny he had no idea about the golf" Serena smiled, a warm feeling filling her heart, as Ric still held her hand, rubbing his thumb over her fingers. "It's a good job I love you"

"You'd better if we're getting married" Ric found a moment to give out some humour, the throbbing pain in his head seemed to have lifted, just for this small amount of time.

"We should celebrate, open a bottle of fizz? Head out to eat or we could just head upstairs?"

Ric pondered, moving far could well just trigger off his headaches and end any romantic celebrations before they even started, "Who needs upstairs...?"

They both smiled as their lips met once more, neither of them planned for today to end the way it did, Ric had hoped he would get the guts to fess up rather than keep Serena in the dark, and Serena she had just looked forward to coming home and spending time with Ric. Becoming engaged was the last thing either of them thought would have happened when they woke up this morning.

* * *

**A/N 2 - What has Ric done? Will this backfire? And what will become of Ric's meeting with Oncology?**

**Feel free to drop me a review**

**:)**


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry, that is has been a while. But, here we are a new update.**

**Thanks to all those that have left reviews and read previous chapters.**

* * *

Being public with their relationship was nothing new for both Serena and Ric, arriving arm in arm in the hospital. Ric was surprisingly feeling well today, a d despite his impending meeting, he had a smile on his face, perhaps only due to his recent engagement; his relationship the only thing that seemed to have a positive outlook - even with the fallouts they had, had. Although he was not suffering with a headache, his left hand had once again been bothering him; he felt some stiffness and weakness with his grip. Yet that was something he kept a secret.

Serena, found herself gleaming, although her initial doubts of getting married again plagued her for a few moments, she now found herself more than content with the idea. She knew that she would not be able to wear her small diamond engagement ring all day, but for now, she wore it proudly upon her finger. She felt proud to say that one day she will become Ric's wife.

They both stood in Wyvern reception, after coming to a natural halt, "Quick coffee before we go up?" Serena smiled

"You go on up, I'll get these and maybe something extra"

"Trying to get rid of me?"

" Yes" Ric smirked, "It's pretty chilly down here, think of that cosy warm office..."

"Hmmm, yeah really not a good idea to start me thinking of the unprofessional behaviour we could get up to"

"_Ah_ bet"

Serena grinned, "I'll see you in five"

Ric gave Serena a nod as he watched her head off into the lift, exhaling deeply, he knew just being in this place gave him a bad feeling; it started to bring out the impending anxieties once more. It reminded him that he made a promise to Guy Self, the man who had done him a massive favour. Ric had not told Serena like he said he would, and he had no idea how he was going to explain the marriage proposal.

As Serena entered her office on Keller Ward, she found the unwelcoming presence of Guy Self. He sat in her chair at her desk, as if he owned it. "What are you doing?" She asks, as she hangs up her coat.

"I needed to speak with you and Ric, is he?"

"He is just getting us both a coffee"

Guy noticed Serena appeared rather chirpy for someone who was to have heard that her colleague and boyfriend had terminal cancer. "You _have_ spoken with Ric?"

"The man lives with me of course I have" Serena rolled her eyes "I get it okay, and I found out your little plan. Shipping me off like that at short notice, so I would not fall suspicious"

Guy really did not have a clue what Serena meant, he had no plan as such, and it was nothing to do with lying off suspicion.

"Don't pretend you don't know, Ric told me you were in on it" As Serena headed towards her desk, Guy caught sight of the ring upon Serena's finger, "He proposed last night..."

Guy had to take a deep breath, he was hoping he would be setting up a meeting with them both and Oncology to talk Ric's long-term options, but that clearly now was not the case. He smiled, "Congratulations"

"It doesn't get you off the hook for that bloody business trip; I'd rather you demoted me"

"I can arranged that"

"_Ha-ha_"

"It was a bad move, and yesterday saw the end to The Tressler Foundation, money misappropriated. I may have snapped wrongly at you"

"Apology accepted"

"Look, I'd still like to talk to Ric, tell him to come to my office in about half an hour" Guy stood up and smiled, seeing as Serena still wasn't aware of Ric's cancer, he needed to have some stern but appropriate words with Ric. As much as Guy liked to present himself as a man with no care for other people's emotions, he did not have the heart to break the news to Serena.

No sooner had Guy left, Ric appeared, he seemed a little jaded,

"Ric, where is the coffee?"

"_Coffee_?" Ric questioned looking perplexed; it genuinely slipped his mind. He got to the counter to order and forgot why he was there, but he could not reveal that to Serena.

"Yeah, you know that hot drink... The one that I occasionally take with milk and if I am feeling naughty, sugar"

"I erm, I got waylaid" He lied "Started talking to Dr Tressler and well... "

"Sixty-one is a little _young_ for the ageing memory loss, isn't it?"

Ric shrugged, "Maybe I had things on my mind"

"Well that will have to wait, Mr Self wants a word, and I really should make my presence seen on the ward"

"You've seen Guy?"

"Yeah, he was here just a moment ago, he wants a meeting with you in around half an hour; in his office, I presume"

Ric grunted, he really did not want to meet with Guy at all today. He just wanted to hold on to this happiness, Serena's happiness. "Serena ..."

"Hmm" she turned as she was about to open the office door.

"I love you"

"You soppy git..."

"Rather contradictory as a statement"

"Ah, but that's why I love you" Serena smiled leaving the office, a feeling of contentment on her heart, she had found love, true love in the form of Ric Griffin, and she had no idea of the secret he was hiding from her.

Serena left the office, leaving Ric with a firm reminder of her dazzling smile, despite the secrets; she was the only person keeping him from running. Taking a moment, Ric held it together and headed off the ward and up to Guy Self's office. Wondering how he was going to explain, putting off telling Serena the truth, and proposing to her as an alternative.

As soon as Ric made his way to Guy's office, he went in and found this meeting was not one he was present in alone, oncologist Nathan Hargreave, sat awaiting Ric's arrival.

"Ah, you're early" Guy looked up, "Take a seat"

Ric did as Guy asked, having popped enough painkillers to fill a pharmacy, he was ready to take on whatever his boss had to say, without feeling to unlike himself.

"Ric" Nathan gave Ric a nod "I'm sorry we have to meet in these circumstances"

"Humph" Ric grunted, he would rather this was not happening at all. "Give me the worst you can throw at me,"

"As Guy as already told you, we are looking at a stage four cancer. Treatment options are vastly limited. We can offer you radiotherapy, to alleviate symptoms and reduce some of the swelling. _However_, it will not buy you extra time, another couple of months max."

"How long?"

"Six to eight months with radiotherapy"

"And without?"

"We're looking anything between three to six months, I'm so _very_ sorry Ric" Nathan replied, with extreme heartfelt apologies. "I'll get you stated on the steroids later today; we'll talk dosage and means of intake method too."

Ric fell silent, he knew it was bad, but he did not think it was that bad, it was all happening too quickly. It hurt, he felt pained, confused, there was no time; life had now become too short, too soon.

"Ric" Guy spoke firmly, "... I understand that this is not what you wanted to hear. However, I need you to see how severe this is. Rash decisions such as proposing to your girlfriend, can seem worrying"

"I love her"

"Telling her the truth, would seem more appropriate"

"Mr. Self" Nathan interjected, "...Ric, I can't imagine how hard this is for you, falling in love and then receiving devastating news such as this,

"I'd rather give her the happiest last few months of my life, than have her worry and watch me die"

"The steroids and painkillers will only mask so much, she will in time notice," Nathan stated

"I can handle it; I can slip away quietly... She _doesn't_ need to know"

"That is your decision, but you have to realise, protecting Serena from the truth may cause her further devastation down the line"

"I know what I'm doing" Ric replied, firmly believing that he did. "It will work out"

Nathan shrugged, who was he to judge the situation, he could only give his professional opinion. "When the time comes, we will look at your palliative options, a way we can do this right, for you"

Ric nodded, shuddering at the word 'palliative', it felt such a daunting and scary word, it meant that, the end really stood before him. A darkened cloud foreshadowed his world once more, the future forecast, lay bleak.

"You know, when it all gets too much, I can't allow you to work. I can't even let you near patients as it is" Guy spoke up after keeping himself unusually quiet. "Clerical duties, is not where I should have a man of your calibre..."

"I have to work"

"This is something I will not argue with you upon. I want weekly meetings, in which we will monitor your health, and as soon as I notice any deterioration, you are out. On full paid leave if course"

Ric scoffed, "What good is that going to do, paid leave for a dying man"

"It's a fair price, I can't have you as a liability on my hands, and I shouldn't even allow you to continue working at all. But I'm doing you this one favour, and as far as patient confidentiality goes, I can withheld this diagnosis, but there will come a point, when you need to step down from work, and Serena will find the truth"

"I don't have to listen to this" Ric stood, attempting to use his left hand as an aid, but he just felt this complete sense of weakness. It was something Guy noticed as Ric finally found his feet.

"How long have you experienced arm weakness for?"

"I haven't"

"Your arm" Guy stated,

"Oh _that_, I ... I slept funny, Serena slept funny, woke up with a dead arm. Bloody woman" Ric lied, as best as he could. He could see the look Guy and Nathan exchanged, but they said nothing other than inform Ric that they will see him later in order to sort out his Steroids.

Ric just left the office, fearing the worst; he now had to find an explanation to Serena for this all-important meeting. The only thing he could consider was that it was a chat about their engagement.

Ii - ~~ - iI

The end of a long day, after Ric finding himself sent home early to consider his future, he still did not find it in his heart to Serena the truth. He was now taking a high dose of steroids and painkillers to alleviate his symptoms, and he could already feel the effect, positive effects. Be it a placebo reaction effect or not, he felt better.

Each with a glass of Wine, they sat on the sofa together, Ric embracing Serena as she flicked through a file, that she needed to read for a strategy meeting tomorrow. Watching Serena, Ric smiled, she always seemed so content, so relaxed in his company, in his arms. He just knew he couldn't break her heart by telling her the truth, although they found themselves hitting a brick wall every now and again, he had never seen her smile so much.

"We should get married, sooner rather than later,"

"Hmmm" Serena, mumbled, she had heard Ric speak, but did not take in his words.

"Serena"

"_What_!" She exclaimed moving out of his hold and looking at him straight in the eye. A slight annoying on her voice, she had concentrated on her work for a little too long, enjoying the peace, relaxing into her work as he gently rubbed her waist.

"I want us to get married"

"I think we established that, yesterday." Serena said a little sarcastically, but all with good intentions.

"That's not what I mean, I want us to get married as soon as possible, money, location, size, is not a problem. I just want you as my wife, _sooner_ rather than later."

"What's the hurry?" Serena questioned feeling it was such a bizarre request. "I'm not going anywhere, are you?"

"Well, I .. Anything could happen, could get hit by a bus tomorrow"

"Unlikely"

"You saying you _don't_ want to marry me?"

"No, I do. I _really_ do, Ric. However, we have only just got engaged, we do not need to rush this... With your track record don't you think that maybe, just for once, that you take it slow" Serena paused, "Look, you know that I never saw the getting married again on the cards for me, and with Edward, that was a whirlwind romance, engaged within a month of meeting, married three months after that. I want to savour these moments. Do it right"

"And we will, I want to leave this world, knowing that you are my wife, the final Mrs. Griffin, the _right_ Mrs. Griffin.."

"Why are you talking like that? Ric, what is wrong?" Serena noticed something in the sound of Ric's voice and she did not like it.

"Nothing's wrong" Ric lied; he hated doing this bit it was the only way.

"I love you Ric, you know that. But I want no more talk of marriage, let's just see how things go, I want our wedding, when it happens to come across as nothing less than perfect, I don't want a rush job" Serena rested her hands upon Ric's face and planted a kiss upon his lips. "_Okay_?"

"Okay" Ric replied reciprocating the kiss, "I just want to give you what you deserve"

"And you already give me more than I could ever ask for. I am happy, and Christ you drive me up the bend sometimes, but I am happy"

"That is good to know" Ric sighed, a sinking feeling in his heart, it is true he wanted to die with Serena as his wife; it just seemed like such an unlikely prospect now. He had to accept that, even though his lies were to protect her. If he were to have a dying wish, this was it, Serena as his wife. It now lay as a wish that was not going to happen. "I'm going to head up to bed..."

"Have I pissed you off?"

"No, I'm just tired"

"Okay, I'll be up later"

Ric gave Serena a soft smile before planting a kiss on her cheek, and left without saying another word, Serena sighed heavily as he left the room, something did not feel right, and Serena did not understand where all this behaviour was coming from. Yet, Ric insisted he was fine, and she had to take his word for it, because she trusted him


End file.
